Let Go and Miracles Follow

I believe that there are signs from God, and miracles every day. Some stand-out in my mind because I feel their significance in the moment. One of the most challenging things in my journey has been to let go of my need to control, ask questions, get answers, move forward in my time and my motion. The flow is Gods flow, and the hardest part is not only not having any say or control in the matter, but also not having any idea where the flow goes. I just have to blindly trust that the flow goes to goodness and it will be perfect for me. Holy crap what a hard kind of trust to have in a belief. Blind faith, is what its called. Not because faith is blind, but because people who have blind faith can walk with their eyes closed and know that no matter how rocky it is they will never trip. Sure-ism. That's what blind faith is, and its way more powerful than optimism. Imagine that. I'm not optimistic that everything has goodness, that love is the most powerful thing in the world, that I can get exactly what I want and need in this life just by being a good and loving person. No... I'm not optimistic, I'm sure. I have 100% faith in it. Nothing is impossible, but sometimes it feels impossible to keep the eyes on the prize, on the possible end result, on the Glory, and the dawn. To slowly, but surely, lock my eyes closed and walk forward with confidence in my feet and a smile on my face.

The other day I was in Nha Trang, VietNam. It's a great island and beach town, and I meant to take full advantage of it to rest, restore, and swim. While there I had spoken with some people in passing, and the vibe was really negative. They said something about me losing my camera or having it stolen, and I said how terrible that would be since it has all of my 3,000 photo and video memories from the last 6 months. For some reason, that thought of losing my camera and how terrible it would be remained distantly in the back of my head. I brushed off the feeling this conversation gave me and I moved on.

I always recognize when I say that something is horrible or terrible, and I always try to eliminate those words from my language. I remember, God says "Did you say terrible? You haven't seen anything yet!" Just the same as he says "Amazing? You haven't seen anything yet!"

Wording things positively, no matter how "unrealistic" people might call me, is my main goal. You can blow all of your notions of "unrealism" out of your mind. That is what makes you, you, and me, me. I know there is no such thing as "realism" or "unrealism" or being either of those things. Realism is a cloaked dagger to the heart of positive thinking. I tell myself, no matter what your reasoning mind might say, have faith in God, and believe blindly in His goodness. Now everything is beautiful and perfect. Realism can go find someone else to bother. My thinking is that, I can be realistic all I want, but as soon as being realistic conflicts with being positive, thats when I know that reason is steering me wrong.

Not but a few days after this brief and negative encounter, some Dutch friends I made and I took a boat tour called the Funky Monkey tour. Complete with hysterical live music, suntanning, island beach, snorkeling, beer, and a buffet seafood lunch. All for $10. Perfect day. The sun was the strongest it had been, and I was loving every second of it. When it came time to go snorkeling, I grabbed my trusty waterproof camera, wrapped the cord around my wrist and jumped in the water with the other girls. We swam away from the boat, adapting to the rush of cold turning to warm, while the guys working on the boat threw us all life rings so we could float around if we wanted. I didn't want one because I prefer to swim, but I caught it and was wrapping it around my arm when I noticed that the camera attached to the cord on my wrist was gone. The durable cord I had used for 6 months on land, sea, air, and all kinds of adventure travel, had snapped in the ocean.

Oh. My. God. This can't be real. My world travel adventure alone, where all I have are my memories, what I take with me, and no way to share with anyone else, and all of those things I might have forgotten but captured anyway. All of the videos of dancing with strangers, speeches from tour guides, and weird cultural experiences. All gone. No longer tangible. This can't be real.

I looked around in the water with a horrified urgency on my face and in my movement. The water was not clear. It was 10ft deep and I could swim to the bottom, but because I couldn't see in front of me my lungs panicked at the possibility of not resurfacing, and I couldn't swim too deep because of it. I lost it. I lost it. It's gone.

I told the guy on the boat, and asked him to help me look for it. I don't give up without a fight. There were scuba divers present because some people paid extra for it. I asked the tour guide if a scuba diver could look for it. He said yes, but that if they find the camera I have to pay them. If you find it, I will give you everything in my wallet I will be so happy. It will be better than paying for a new camera! And those photos and videos are literally priceless to me.

It took 10 minutes for the diver to be ready, and I felt myself asking, is he coming, is he coming, we only have 45 minutes here. I had a foot tapping, impatient sense of urgency.

Eventually the diver was ready and I pointed him in the direction I was swimming. There was no current at the time, aside from surface boats, so I had hope he would find it. My heart was entirely engulfed in the camera, I was trying to control the situation, the panic, the finding of it. I was trying to make it happen. I was like a neurotic mom with five kids at Disney World. "Okay now everyone form a single file line, hold hands! and don't make any faces in the picture."
Oh yeah, pictures. Pictures I won't be able to take wit my waterproof camera that won't be able to go under water anymore.
I took hold of myself when I realized what danger my actions and words were ensuing because of my effort to force the situation. I have to let go of this, it's not the end of the world, what is meant to happen will happen. After this thought, one of the girls I traveled with came up to me and said something about, oh poor me, I hope they find it.

It's the fucking ocean. I've been on the ocean my whole life. Lost thousands of things, found none of them.

I ignored the negativity, I knew that I had to reverse what I had said and done to force my will onto this situation. I think he'll find it. It's easy to look for things with scuba gear, theres no current, and it's only 10 ft deep. I'd find it myself if I had scuba gear but they said that I'd have to pay for it. I'm not worried. I'm actually pretty sure they'll find it. All of the factors say yes. Surism is stronger than optimism.

I kept saying stuff like that to myself. 20 minutes passed, and no such luck. The diver went down before I could describe the camera or the location. The diver was circling the whole area, but not where I told him to. All of these factors - I want to fix this. I need to talk to him but he's below the water. I can't do anything. I have to just sit. I realized that what I needed to do was swim. Release the stress and literally remove myself from the situation and let go of my control and my need. I was on a tour, and I love to swim, I shouldn't waist this time worrying and not enjoying. It's out of my hands. Exploring the water while I wait couldn't hurt anything.

I swam far and fast until the boat was distant from my sight and I was almost to shore where the reef could be see from a surface level. I was thinking the whole time, its not the end of the world. I said a prayer out loud if I am meant to have it then it will come back to me, if I am not meant to have it then I don't want it. God returns to me what is mine or replaces it with something better. I said this over and over. Until finally I was used to the idea. I could get a new camera. I can let go of these photos and videos. I have my memory. I have other pictures and things that I've kept. I have my diary, my heart, and my experiences. It's okay. What's meant to happen will happen. Que sera sera.

I looked down in my breast stroke and saw the ocean bottom. I saw that it was jagged and rocky, and it occurred to me, the diver was looking all around the area as if there was a current, but there is no current and the bottom is rocky. My camera is there. He'll find it. I became sure of it. Absolute blind faith. I have no room for doubt because the time for hope is now, and the time for mourning is later or never. Now determines that. Suddenly I had a really strange feeling that might sound a little crazy. I felt like a shark was swimming up to me. I was alone and my bodily reflex jerked around to look into the water. Nothing. I knew there was no shark but I felt like I was being chased, I felt like I had to get out of there and swim back to the boat. 

I returned to the boat just as a new diver was going in to look for my camera. The first diver was tired and didn't find anything. I pointed directly where I landed in the water and said right there. Then I watched the diver go under, because I thought it looked cool and I wanted to see if I could remotely see the bottom. I had no concerns. I had hope, but not grasping onto to it. I was just hanging out and enjoying the day. That's when it happened. ARISEEEEEEEEE SCUBAAA SAINT!! Through the foggy water I saw a flash of the bright orange from my camera and up rises the scuba diver having rescued it from the rocky depths. 

Holy crap! This is a miracle! This is a miracle! I took the camera and thanked them. I wanted to hug them or kiss them but both of the scuba divers disappeared to undress from their swim gear. After I established that the camera still worked just fine (after 30 minutes under water!!), I put it away and the tour guide told me what I had to pay. Something like 500,000VND At least 5 days of food for me. But I remembered what I said and I said it several times. I told the tour guide I wanted to thank the divers. They came and found me, and when they did I emptied my wallet without counting it. I complain too much about money. I'm too desperate for it to maintain my appropriate budget, to complete this journey in the time and manner I want. This was one of many lessons God was giving me. To let go. To trust that I will be provided for. To not give power to money, or my plan - the power is completely in the hands of God. Let go and let God, that's what that is. Let go of my own plan for life, and let God do His work. I can just sit back and be in awe of the miracles that occur and the goodness that finds me.

Absolutely perfect day.