Let Go and Miracles Follow

I believe that there are signs from God, and miracles every day. Some stand-out in my mind because I feel their significance in the moment. One of the most challenging things in my journey has been to let go of my need to control, ask questions, get answers, move forward in my time and my motion. The flow is Gods flow, and the hardest part is not only not having any say or control in the matter, but also not having any idea where the flow goes. I just have to blindly trust that the flow goes to goodness and it will be perfect for me. Holy crap what a hard kind of trust to have in a belief. Blind faith, is what its called. Not because faith is blind, but because people who have blind faith can walk with their eyes closed and know that no matter how rocky it is they will never trip. Sure-ism. That's what blind faith is, and its way more powerful than optimism. Imagine that. I'm not optimistic that everything has goodness, that love is the most powerful thing in the world, that I can get exactly what I want and need in this life just by being a good and loving person. No... I'm not optimistic, I'm sure. I have 100% faith in it. Nothing is impossible, but sometimes it feels impossible to keep the eyes on the prize, on the possible end result, on the Glory, and the dawn. To slowly, but surely, lock my eyes closed and walk forward with confidence in my feet and a smile on my face.

The other day I was in Nha Trang, VietNam. It's a great island and beach town, and I meant to take full advantage of it to rest, restore, and swim. While there I had spoken with some people in passing, and the vibe was really negative. They said something about me losing my camera or having it stolen, and I said how terrible that would be since it has all of my 3,000 photo and video memories from the last 6 months. For some reason, that thought of losing my camera and how terrible it would be remained distantly in the back of my head. I brushed off the feeling this conversation gave me and I moved on.

I always recognize when I say that something is horrible or terrible, and I always try to eliminate those words from my language. I remember, God says "Did you say terrible? You haven't seen anything yet!" Just the same as he says "Amazing? You haven't seen anything yet!"

Wording things positively, no matter how "unrealistic" people might call me, is my main goal. You can blow all of your notions of "unrealism" out of your mind. That is what makes you, you, and me, me. I know there is no such thing as "realism" or "unrealism" or being either of those things. Realism is a cloaked dagger to the heart of positive thinking. I tell myself, no matter what your reasoning mind might say, have faith in God, and believe blindly in His goodness. Now everything is beautiful and perfect. Realism can go find someone else to bother. My thinking is that, I can be realistic all I want, but as soon as being realistic conflicts with being positive, thats when I know that reason is steering me wrong.

Not but a few days after this brief and negative encounter, some Dutch friends I made and I took a boat tour called the Funky Monkey tour. Complete with hysterical live music, suntanning, island beach, snorkeling, beer, and a buffet seafood lunch. All for $10. Perfect day. The sun was the strongest it had been, and I was loving every second of it. When it came time to go snorkeling, I grabbed my trusty waterproof camera, wrapped the cord around my wrist and jumped in the water with the other girls. We swam away from the boat, adapting to the rush of cold turning to warm, while the guys working on the boat threw us all life rings so we could float around if we wanted. I didn't want one because I prefer to swim, but I caught it and was wrapping it around my arm when I noticed that the camera attached to the cord on my wrist was gone. The durable cord I had used for 6 months on land, sea, air, and all kinds of adventure travel, had snapped in the ocean.

Oh. My. God. This can't be real. My world travel adventure alone, where all I have are my memories, what I take with me, and no way to share with anyone else, and all of those things I might have forgotten but captured anyway. All of the videos of dancing with strangers, speeches from tour guides, and weird cultural experiences. All gone. No longer tangible. This can't be real.

I looked around in the water with a horrified urgency on my face and in my movement. The water was not clear. It was 10ft deep and I could swim to the bottom, but because I couldn't see in front of me my lungs panicked at the possibility of not resurfacing, and I couldn't swim too deep because of it. I lost it. I lost it. It's gone.

I told the guy on the boat, and asked him to help me look for it. I don't give up without a fight. There were scuba divers present because some people paid extra for it. I asked the tour guide if a scuba diver could look for it. He said yes, but that if they find the camera I have to pay them. If you find it, I will give you everything in my wallet I will be so happy. It will be better than paying for a new camera! And those photos and videos are literally priceless to me.

It took 10 minutes for the diver to be ready, and I felt myself asking, is he coming, is he coming, we only have 45 minutes here. I had a foot tapping, impatient sense of urgency.

Eventually the diver was ready and I pointed him in the direction I was swimming. There was no current at the time, aside from surface boats, so I had hope he would find it. My heart was entirely engulfed in the camera, I was trying to control the situation, the panic, the finding of it. I was trying to make it happen. I was like a neurotic mom with five kids at Disney World. "Okay now everyone form a single file line, hold hands! and don't make any faces in the picture."
Oh yeah, pictures. Pictures I won't be able to take wit my waterproof camera that won't be able to go under water anymore.
I took hold of myself when I realized what danger my actions and words were ensuing because of my effort to force the situation. I have to let go of this, it's not the end of the world, what is meant to happen will happen. After this thought, one of the girls I traveled with came up to me and said something about, oh poor me, I hope they find it.

It's the fucking ocean. I've been on the ocean my whole life. Lost thousands of things, found none of them.

I ignored the negativity, I knew that I had to reverse what I had said and done to force my will onto this situation. I think he'll find it. It's easy to look for things with scuba gear, theres no current, and it's only 10 ft deep. I'd find it myself if I had scuba gear but they said that I'd have to pay for it. I'm not worried. I'm actually pretty sure they'll find it. All of the factors say yes. Surism is stronger than optimism.

I kept saying stuff like that to myself. 20 minutes passed, and no such luck. The diver went down before I could describe the camera or the location. The diver was circling the whole area, but not where I told him to. All of these factors - I want to fix this. I need to talk to him but he's below the water. I can't do anything. I have to just sit. I realized that what I needed to do was swim. Release the stress and literally remove myself from the situation and let go of my control and my need. I was on a tour, and I love to swim, I shouldn't waist this time worrying and not enjoying. It's out of my hands. Exploring the water while I wait couldn't hurt anything.

I swam far and fast until the boat was distant from my sight and I was almost to shore where the reef could be see from a surface level. I was thinking the whole time, its not the end of the world. I said a prayer out loud if I am meant to have it then it will come back to me, if I am not meant to have it then I don't want it. God returns to me what is mine or replaces it with something better. I said this over and over. Until finally I was used to the idea. I could get a new camera. I can let go of these photos and videos. I have my memory. I have other pictures and things that I've kept. I have my diary, my heart, and my experiences. It's okay. What's meant to happen will happen. Que sera sera.

I looked down in my breast stroke and saw the ocean bottom. I saw that it was jagged and rocky, and it occurred to me, the diver was looking all around the area as if there was a current, but there is no current and the bottom is rocky. My camera is there. He'll find it. I became sure of it. Absolute blind faith. I have no room for doubt because the time for hope is now, and the time for mourning is later or never. Now determines that. Suddenly I had a really strange feeling that might sound a little crazy. I felt like a shark was swimming up to me. I was alone and my bodily reflex jerked around to look into the water. Nothing. I knew there was no shark but I felt like I was being chased, I felt like I had to get out of there and swim back to the boat. 

I returned to the boat just as a new diver was going in to look for my camera. The first diver was tired and didn't find anything. I pointed directly where I landed in the water and said right there. Then I watched the diver go under, because I thought it looked cool and I wanted to see if I could remotely see the bottom. I had no concerns. I had hope, but not grasping onto to it. I was just hanging out and enjoying the day. That's when it happened. ARISEEEEEEEEE SCUBAAA SAINT!! Through the foggy water I saw a flash of the bright orange from my camera and up rises the scuba diver having rescued it from the rocky depths. 

Holy crap! This is a miracle! This is a miracle! I took the camera and thanked them. I wanted to hug them or kiss them but both of the scuba divers disappeared to undress from their swim gear. After I established that the camera still worked just fine (after 30 minutes under water!!), I put it away and the tour guide told me what I had to pay. Something like 500,000VND At least 5 days of food for me. But I remembered what I said and I said it several times. I told the tour guide I wanted to thank the divers. They came and found me, and when they did I emptied my wallet without counting it. I complain too much about money. I'm too desperate for it to maintain my appropriate budget, to complete this journey in the time and manner I want. This was one of many lessons God was giving me. To let go. To trust that I will be provided for. To not give power to money, or my plan - the power is completely in the hands of God. Let go and let God, that's what that is. Let go of my own plan for life, and let God do His work. I can just sit back and be in awe of the miracles that occur and the goodness that finds me.

Absolutely perfect day.

Turning Dark to Light - The Art of Solo Travel

There is a particular struggle that comes in solo travel, that I think emphasizes the struggle of every day life. Everyone is solo traveling in their life. But struggle, is  apart of every day life so sometimes it doesn’t feel at all like struggling. What westerners would call “struggle” in a third world country, doesn’t necessarily feel like that there. People are just surviving the way they were raised to survive. Maybe that’s a struggle for someone unfamiliar with a third world way of life, but for many it's simply instinct and upbringing. Its just people doing what they have to do. There’s no desperation. No sense of defeat. It’s just that, everyone has a goal in mind and the struggle can come from feeling whether that goal is attainable or not. Get clean drinking water today - that’s doable. Have a hot shower today – doesn’t feel as doable. Sometimes the goal is there, and you can reach it, but it takes a hell of a lot of work to get to it. There’s always an “ah shit” moment when I realize that I’m not halfway to my goal like I might have thought. There aren’t too many ah shit moments in my day-to-day, but they’re there. Sneaking up on me. And it’s never ah shit I don’t want to do that. It’s ah shit I have to do that to make the next step.

I discovered that all of the “ah shits” seem to mesh together into one big unhappy response. That’s my negative side. Sometimes when my negative comes out, it’s hard to shut her up. Then, if or when the negative takes over completely, I become impatient, distant, bored, and albeit angry. Testy. Touchy. Tetchy.  It’s like I’m off of my drug (the drug of positive thinking). That’s when the struggle kicks in. It becomes lonely, and I’m too irritable to make friends because I don’t trust anyone (because the trusting turns off too).  I’m looking up at the mountain I have to climb to get to my goal (for me its, enlightenment, goodness, the next step), and, rather than enjoying doing it, I think, “ah shit” I still have to do all this stuff.

Where is the joy in it?

That's the struggle in solo travel, in life and for everyone - it's keeping the negative thinking inside tamed, and quiet. Otherwise, when the negative comes out from the darkness, all of the light and goodness of life goes and hides from it, waiting until its gone. Getting it gone is tough.

Usually when I am negative, The Universe sends me an omen to redirect my thinking attention. The other day, I was in the jungle enjoying a rugged bicycle adventure. 30km, in a $2 rental bike, with unpaved torn up roads, was a challenging adventure. The challenge was to enjoy it. I wasn’t. I was alone in the jungle (which adds a sense of danger and excitement) biking to a lake where there would be crocodiles and rhinoceros (otherwise which I know nothing about). There was hardly any bike cushion, and my ass was sore from riding over the rocks, so I had to stop a few times to walk it off. The bruises were there for days. Thanks to the rugged roads, I mastered balance while jackhammering by the time the day was done. I didn’t see any rhinos, or crocs. I just biked to the watering hole on the other side of the jungle, explored a little bit, took pictures, and biked back.

While I biked I thought about some things. Like:

There always seems to be a couple of Nepali guys who want to know where I’m from. And after I tell them, they always want me to repeat it. I’ve contemplated not answering at all, but isn’t that rude? It’s not like it’s the same guy every time, it’s not like he’s saying anything rude, or sexual, and I am obviously a foreigner. But then what if, because it happens all the time every day, I begin to feel harassed? Is that just the next guy’s problem? Don’t get me wrong, I know what harassment feels like and I know how to handle myself in those situations. I went to school in New York City – I have heard all kinds of catcalls, and experienced all kinds of forwards. But here in Nepal, it’s just “hello miss, what is your name?” or just “hello” or “where are you from?” My immediate thought is usually, why are you talking to me? But, isn’t that a negative way of thinking? I often respond by saying my answer and spark a conversation, or I walk away without words thinking; pretend you don’t know he’s talking to you. It does feel like harassment if the guy walks up beside me, while I am walking, and takes side steps while he asks me these questions. That’s often when I say "Hello" and keep moving, or pretend I don’t speak the language he is talking to me in. Why are you side stepping your way onto my path? No, I don’t want to buy anything from you.

In those moments I am relying on my instinct to show me the good people, and keep me away from the bad ones. It’s not my problem how they talk. It’s my problem how I deal with it. I realize that how I perceive these encounters can become very negative. But there are ways of staying safe without being negative – for sure. The best thing to do is just to walk away, and join casual conversations that come up naturally. Be honest. I can determine whether I am being presented an opportunity to create sincere and good friendships, or I can walk away because being with some people doesn’t give me the feeling of friendship. It’s just an internal judgment that I make. Trust your instincts, it's God’s voice in you.

Whatever way I handle any situation, my negative side still sneaks up on me sometimes. And when that happens, suddenly I’m closed off, and suspicious of every guy who is trying to talk to me without purpose. That’s when I get stressed. Then it’s like I’m sick – I can’t just turn it off because I hate it, it’s a sickness, I have to take care of myself to get over it - and when I’m sick I just want my mommy and that can lead to loneliness. I told myself when I began this trip, I will think of my family often but I will not dwell. Dwelling is just another negative thing to bring me down. Why is some invisible negative force always trying to bring me down!?

Partway through the first leg of my bike ride, my thinking pattern revealed an epiphany. When my first response to people or situations is the sad or unhappy part of the experience, it blocks all of my pure judgment and instinct. Trusting in my instinct guides my way more often than not. So when I’m negative, is when I feel lost. When that happens, I can’t hear my instinct and I'm making calls based on anger and fear rather than instinct. By then I can't even tell if I'm acting on fear or intuition. Then I'm completely blind.

It’s the same struggle in every life. It’s hard to hear God when my ears are clogged with negative shit. It’s hard to have confidence, trust, openness, insight, and love. That’s what the negatives take away from me. So I fight it off, because that’s my trust and my love! That’s my confidence! I will fight to the death for those. The hardest battle is internal between light and dark.

Sometimes, I am so deep in negative mode, that I forget how to fight it off. Herein lies the omen that the Universe will give me in my darkest moments. When I am that far deep, like that short period that I wasn’t fully enjoying my bike adventure, I come across an omen that helps. Today I said a few prayers and it got me through the biking so that I was able to change my attitude and really love it. I laughed at all of my pain, how bad the roads were, how my shitty bicycle could endure it. It was funny. But only after I manifested some muscle pain. Muscle pain from negativity I bet. Stress in the shoulders, negativity in the hips.

I did some yoga, and more prayers.

It helped.

But it wasn’t until I came across this amazing passage in a book I’m reading by Florence Scovel Shin called “The Power of the Spoken Word.” She showed me exactly what I was experiencing, and why, and how to change it.

“All life is vibration. You combine with what you notice, or you combine with what you vibrate to. If you are vibrating to injustice and resentment you will meet it on your pathway, at every step. You will certainly think it is a hard world and that everybody is against you. Hermes Trismegistus said several thousand years ago, “To change your mood you must change you vibrations.” I make it even stronger; I say, to change your world, you must change your vibrations. Turn on a different current in our battery of thought, and you’ll see the difference immediately.

Then, she persists to give an exciting affirmation that clicked with me immediately.

“God appreciates me, therefore every one and every thing appreciates me. I appreciate my self.”

The reason that affirmation worked for me, was not because I was having a hard time appreciating my self, but because I wasn’t appreciating the world around me, and that affects my appreciation of self. The world is very much a part of me, and I am a part of it. If I treat it negatively, I feel negative in my life – mostly because the world will get negative right back. I didn’t appreciate how my self was responding to the universe, and I could see negative patterns and experiences becoming more frequent. I thought, if every one and every thing appreciates me, than I should appreciate every one and every thing right back. Let’s turn on a happy face, world, lets have some sunshine. With that, I condemned my negative thoughts, saying that I want back my happy, trusting, open, loving self.

Then, instantly the day got brighter. Instantly. I felt all my negativity float away. I remember one of my favorite sayings, When you look at the world and think ‘this is terrible’ God says, “terrible? You haven’t seen anything yet…” but when you look at the world and think, “this is perfect” God says, “perfect? You haven’t seen anything yet…”

I just have to look at it as good and perfect. One of my moral rules, which I inherited from my friend Stephanie whom I met in Ireland, is to never complain. I catch myself when I slip up and begin to complain, but having the rule helps me. Complaining just perpetuates more negative thoughts. It’s for that reason that I love ignorance. I want to be ignorant of pain, sorrow, and negativity. If I can be ignorant to the negative things that some people focus on, then I can blissfully go about my day enjoying every second – no matter what happens.

I finished my bike ride like a rock star, loving every bit of it.

That’s how I say “bye” to the Pandora’s Box of negative thinking.

Now I’m ready, again, for every moment to be anew, and to look at the world with light and wonder.

I will put up a fight against darkness. Fight loneliness and boredom with love and trust. We are all journeying through our lives. We are alone, while never alone. Remembering that we’re never alone is a lot harder to do, since feeling alone can be so easy. Seeing the glass half full, and still asking for more, is not gratitude or love. It’s just half full, which is better than half empty or nonexistent. That’s the journey that everyone experiences solo. The internal battle between light and dark. That’s everyone’s life, isn’t it? It’s the struggle of solo travel.

My challenge is the same as everyone else’s. Have poise. Follow intuition. Be open. Be positive. Love endlessly. Meditate. Keep my personal space organized. Take care of my body. Be kind. Have patience. Follow the bright side. Be fearless and without worry. Keep silence sacred. Say “I can” all the time. Be good with the world.

Then the light will overcome the dark, and all that’s left to experience is goodness. Peace and prosperity go hand in hand. That’s the beautiful universe at work. The art of the world.

The art of solo travel.