No Excuses, No Complaints, Just do it and Love it

“Judge not the speck in your brothers eye when you have a plank in your own.” For if you see a speck in your brother’s eye, than it is more likely that you have a plank in your own.

Sometimes I have plank eyes, and it keeps me from seeing the beauty in others. It keeps me from loving the beach, and the breeze, the smell of the rain, and the coffee seeds. It keeps me from seeing warmth in someone’s eyes, because all I smell is garbage and all I see are flies. The goal however, is to see everything as it is, everyone as they are, and love it all.

 Life is so much simpler while traveling. It's just as easy to look at something and see that it is ugly as it is to look at something and see that it is beautiful. 

I’ve learned a lot about what to expect in Southeast Asia – things I used to be uptight about, or need to control that I can understand now are not meant to be in my control. I am not meant to waste energy on caring about what functions as I think it should and what doesn't. In Southeast Asia, I expect everything to move more slowly. I expect to need to simplify my language and adapt to new languages – and never ever ever brush away someone just because we aren’t finding communicating easy. I expect to get what I need when I need it according to my plan, another plan, or some miraculous plan – all of my needs will be met. I expect the mini van to show up on the deserted road, for there to always be a ride whether I paid a $50, $2 or nothing at all. There is always food, a toilet and accommodation near. I expect detours and the unplanned plan – the plan that everyone who speaks the local language knows about and doesn't tell me. I expect beauty, and beauty finds me.

I’ve learned that this is an essential attitude in life, and travel. Love the goodness of the experiences, the adventure, the newness, the oldness, the faces, the colors, the smells, and savor the feeling of it all.

On several occasions I have been invited to travel with people I had just met, and in my mind I usually had apprehensions. Am I really going to agree to go with these people I don’t know, to a place I don’t know, and having intensely personal experiences without having any idea how they react to their environment or how we will travel together? Yep. Sometimes I didn’t join, because I knew I needed to take the time to do some things for myself. Other times, my heart screamed at me to “just say yes!” despite whatever apprehensions I was feeling.

Following intuition, and ignoring the ego that creates fear, doubt, and limitations can open up someone’s heart to new people, new experiences, and all of the in-between that most people say “I can’t” to, “I’m uncomfortable” with, or the experiences that people complain about. I’ve learned to stop and think about why “I can’t," why something, someone makes me feel “uncomfortable,” or what is in my head telling me to complain. More often than not, it has entirely to do with my feelings about myself, feelings about my capabilities, willingness to try new things, my adaptation to authentic experiences and people – and sometimes it’s instinct.

People tend to like their comfort zone – it’s comfortable. It’s when wanting “comfort” becomes an excuse that keeps from a new experience, that it is no longer about comfort at all – it’s about fear. The comfort level becomes a “no trespassing” zone. Most people don’t realize that saying “no” or wanting to stay in their “comfort zone” may be because of fear, and/or self-doubt. I think about Americans I know, and I can see how many live inside of their space and make excuses using words like “comfort” or “can’t” to stay in their space, or complain all along the way no matter how brilliant their lives are. They choose to watch through their window rather than go outside and join in. I can see how this is good for some people, but it is imperative for everyone to take a step back to determine if their decisions are being made out of doubt, or fear, and - if it is so - to go on doing exactly the opposite of what the fear says.

Overcome, heal, and face your own fears, especially the ones that have put limitations on life in seemingly insignificant ways - the ones that say you can’t climb that ladder, get to that appointment, make that jump, find that key, replace that flat tire, cook that meal, enjoy that day, attract that guy etc. You will see that cutting down the red tape around the “comfort zone” will add to who you are. Parts of yourself that you didn’t know existed, let alone were missing, will shine brightly and attract others like a moth to a flame. You will feel joy and love.

Things I do that I always said “no” to before, or thought within limits about, have now become second nature to me, to the point where I find it difficult to understand people who don’t embrace this freedom. The intellectual freedom that comes with knowing anything is possible brings an embracing love to oneself and to life.

That’s what makes leaving the comfort zone so crucial. That's what makes traveling so awesome! Constant new experiences help people to reflect on themselves, and when they do they will see that something can change, and life is always beautiful. 

I think that going anywhere alone brings more attention to the workings in the body and mind in this way. Traveling alone has given this gift to me. I notice the world more, I observe interactions deeply, I can recognize my feelings and reflect before responding. Moreover, I can see why feelings arise and what within myself may need healing or growth. I have all the time in the world and it is all mine. That doesn’t mean that there is no struggle. Some days I am battling off my internal complaints, and fighting away negativity, trying to allow myself the freedom to feel sadness and anger without permitting it to take over completely. Sometimes its hard for friends back home to understand that traveling is my life now, they are not interrupting me by being a part of it by staying connected. Its not a vacation that i need a break from everyone for. Lack of connections from home or other travelers can make traveling solo feel even more alone on some days. Other days I am full of joy for everything and everyone I come across. I am focused, calm, and able to let go of any and all need for control so that I embrace whatever finds me. On those days good people and adventures always find me. 100% guarenteed.

Releasing the “no” and cutting down the caution tape around my comfort zone has been an enormous release. I can see a giant spider in my room, and instead of jumping on my bed and yelling for someone to come kill it, I take a closer look and tell it how beautiful it is – and ask it nicely to leave my room. It’s silly, and I laugh at myself, but then the spider always does leave my room.

I've grown so that all I expect is love, and goodness. I don’t expect people to think, live, or love the same as I do either. When I come across people who don’t behave lovingly, I can see that maybe they are not at the stage of thinking where loving others and themselves is something they can fully comprehend – so I can love them for where they are and be happy that they are on their own journey. Love is conceptual, so that everyone knows what it is and that it is good, however learning how to love takes time.

 Just as showing love to myself, can change the way others show love to me. I encourage you to look within yourself and beyond yourself. Get rid of the “no” and think about the reason for it, don’t allow fear, doubt, or imaginary limits, to rule you. Don’t judge, lest you become the judgment you have made, and that includes judging yourself and creating limitations. Explore! Go on adventures! Makes lists of things you’ve never done but always wanted, lists of ways you want to be treated, lists of things you are afraid of - and then what you do is you DO the things you wanted, HUG your fears, and SURROUND YOURSELF with what makes you feel good. And you do it all by loving. Then watch in awe while your world is rocked.

Even if you don't travel, you can still open yourself up in the same way. Anyone can have the heart of a traveler. 

The Baltic Sea

In one week I have changed timezones 4 times.

Stockholm

I arrived with only one full day around the city, and although I would have liked more time, one day was enough.

The hostel I stayed in was the coolest part of being in Stockholm. On the tiny island of Langholmen, in the middle of the city of islands, is an old prison. Surrounded by a small beach, bike paths, small boat ports, and parks, Langholmen prison was turned from a maritime holding place to a hostel/hotel and conference center. Resurrected inside are preserves of the prison-life and museum casings. I would have spent a day or so on the island if I had more time in Stockholm. But I didn't, and instead I walked along the water for an hour before turning onto the main drag. The Royal Palace was much to be desired, since the original one had burnt down and the replacement had no bells and whistles. It serves its purpose. Sitting along the main streets, I was harassed, several times, by one particular gypsy girl. She would ask me for money, and of course I acknowledged her and said no in Swedish - since thats all I could say. However, the three separate occasions throughout the day when she asked me for money, she put her hands on my arm and on my head, and when I forcefully said "no" - since I don't know how to say "don't touch me" in Swedish - it felt like she would almost smack me. I have no judgments of gypsies - in fact I feel a lot of compassion for them and anger towards the governments that shun them and oppress them. But you shouldn't touch a stranger. That's crossing a boundary. Of course she was touching me to buy time to look into my pockets, try and see whats there, and perhaps steal from me. Her touch was not of compassion, so of course I knew there were no good intentions behind it. My pockets were all zippered up like a smart little traveler. 

It's a terrible conundrum. I feel bad for her, I have little to no money to spare for myself, I want to give to her, and I would have, but then she treats me with contempt and I see that she is seeking an opportunity to steal from me. Even so, I know that stealing and begging are yet another outcome of her oppressed life and culture. I'm torn. After the several times of touching and harassing, I was no longer torn, and instead I felt that if I had given to her then it would only condone her behavior. I would have karate chopped her in the throat by that point. Which I thought about as she passed me a fourth time. When did I become so violent?  No, I wouldn't do it. But thinking about doing it made me wonder if I was capable of beating someone up in a situation where I was acting in defense rather than pride. Mom says karate chop them in the throat. My brother says cup and hit their ears to destabilize them. Dad says kick em where the sun don't shine. Sandra Bullock says to S.I.N.G. - solar plex, instep, nose, groin.

From Stockholm I left on a cruise to Tallin - St. Petersburg - Helsinik and back to Stockholm. The cruise itself was less expensive than a hostel would have been for 4 nights in most places, and here I had an opportunity to see 4 different countries. Briefly, but beautifully, and restfully.

The cruise was much like a hostel. Everything cost extra money, so I did not pay for anything. I have become  a savings bank in my own right, and the proof is in my financial anxiety and a suitcase full of fruits and homemade sandwiches. From the Langholmen hostel where I had a free breakfast, I sneakily packed away 4 sandwiches from the buffet. Free dinner for the week, on the cheapest cruise of a lifetime. 

Upon checking in for the cruise, I was given my boarding card. I asked the woman behind the desk if I was sharing a room with someone else. (I had assumed that for only 120 Euro, there had to be some sort of catch, maybe I was paying for a bed in a room with strangers?) The girl told me that I had the room to myself. It was like Sinterklaas came early. I jumped up and down, and let out all of my excitement like a child. I was so happy I could have kissed the girl behind the counter. Thank you! I have been spoiled my whole life with a room to myself, and for the last 6 weeks I haven't minded sleeping in a room with strangers. However, the added anxiety of not having my privacy, of being walked in on by a man or woman who is a stranger at any moment, of locking my things in the morning and the night - it all was beginning to make me tiresome. It kept giving me more to think about, and because of hyperawareness, I hadn't slept a full night since I began traveling. Earplugs don't seem to make a difference. So I jumped up and down and sang the praises of every officer I passed on my way through customs to the ship where I get to snore, fart, burp, and sit around naked for the next 5 days in a room that is mine. Not that I do any of those things, but the option is so freeing!

Tallinn

Next was a time-zone change to Tallinn Estonia. One day here is all you need, and I had 4 hours. That was more than enough time to walk around the cobbled streets (the kind that twist your ankle if you're not careful) hear street performers, see the ancient parts of the city and the monuments, and enjoy some local food - all before returning back to my cruise.

Trying to learn Estonian for the short time I was there was absolutely pointless. Estonian is close to Finnish, and both Finnish and Estonian (like Hungarian) are completely different from any Slavonic, Germaic, or Russian langauge. The language itself, like Finnish, was sing-songy. Both of them, with the linguistics, intonations, soft and sweetness - they made me picture a pond at a lake with a quiet lone frog jumping from one lily pad to another. It was as if the languages created a sweet tone, an outdoorsy thoughtful tone - like when, in my imagination, the frog comes across the mermaid Ariel while she is to the side of the shore crying - the frog doesn't saying anything, it just sits there ribbiting while she talks to it. Thats what Finnish and Estonian were like to me, if that makes any sense at all.

St. Petersburg

After Tallinn, the next day I entered into the Russian Federation's timezone, and mobile network. Everyone working on the ship was Russian, and so I had been warming up as best I could by asking people phrases and writing it down. I lost the paper an hour into my tour of the city, but I remembered enough.

At the help-desk on the cruise they made me say the words back to them. Mikael, the guy who was helping me, kept saying, "its okay but say it angrier."

Heres what I learned.

gdyet toalet? Where is the toilet

paka - Goodbye

das vi danya - goodbye formally

privet - hello

niet - no

dah - yes

minye - I want for me

Harasho - good

kak tohebia zo voot - What is your name?

diechte - Give me

pivou - beer

schot - bill or check

spasiba - thank you

That was enough to get me through a day in Russia.

I had always imagined that the buildings in Russia would look like they were made of candy. With balls of gumdrops, different colors of twisting candy canes, and dollops of cream on top. When I entered the city all of my childish fantasies were put to rest. The city's architecture was like Paris, or London, or Budapest. No candied houses.

In the one day I had, the first thing that I did was go the Holy Resurrection Orthodox Cathedral. And the church, like a couple of other churches I had driven by on my entrance from the seaport, they did look like they were made of candy. They had twists of colors like candy canes, gumdrops on the sides, and dollops of different colored creams on top. Without even thinking, I went and bought a ticket and entered into the church. I was drawn to it. I had to go in and see what these Russian churches are about. I had to be in an Orthodox church. And it was so shiny and pretty.

I walked in, no no... I took two steps in... and I began to cry. I looked to the ceiling and the wooden throne in front of me - like the one carved and kept in St. Peter's Basilica at the Vatican and seen in the movie Angels and Demons. I saw that every inch of the walls were covered with beautiful Russian art, and Byzantine icons. I looked around in awe. The people holding the door behind me laughed at me just standing there. They saw my back and that my head was fixed towards the ceiling. No doubt they could hear me say "wow... wooow...wow" over and over. From my perspective I had only just entered and therefore I had only seen a corner of this place. I turned to them laughing at me, and still with tears, my shaky voice said "It's... so... beautiful." And then I began to cry some more.

The only other time I had been so taken-away during my trip so far, was when I arrived at the River Seine in Paris, and looked around - at nothing particularly, but I was there and it was beautiful and nothing could contain my excitement and gratitude for its beauty.

Looking at the ceiling of the cathedral, I began to walk around. I stopped crying after hearing in my head my brother's reaction to my tears in Paris, "aw are you crying?" Not with sarcasm, but with surprise, sincerity, and perhaps a little bit of concern. I'm okay, I'm okay. It's just so beautiful. I pulled myself together and toured the church. It was breathtaking all of the hand-painted icons on every inch of the walls, coming down to meet a midnight marble that touched the floor where panels of marble intersected and created more designs.

If nothing else, I was happy that I saw this in Russia. The rest could wait.

After I left the Cathedral I went to eat some true Russian Borscht, and beef Stroganoff. I had never eaten either of these foods and I like to make it a point to try the local food, the local beer, and hear the local music. That is usually one of my goals in a city or a new country. The Russian beer was heavy, and similar to Heineken. The food was so meaty and flavorful that I'm not articulate enough to describe it. I added it to my list of foods I've loved around the world. It's a long list. 

Helsinki

Due to the time change between Tallinn - St. Petersburg - Helsinki - I was pretty worn out, and my body was utterly confused. I woke up at 7am, but it turns out it was 5am, another day I woke up at 8am and it turns out it was 9am. By the time I entered the center of Helsinki I thought about going right back to the ship to sleep. But no, there was much to be seen, and after playing around on instruments in a music store I came across, I had the energy and excitement to explore.

Helsinki was expensive. Much like Norway, but they didn't fool you by using Kroner, they used Euro and straight-up shamed you with their pricing. 8Euro beer? And its an amber beer? No I think I'll stick with Carlsburg in this place. I walked along the fish market, ate reindeer meatballs, and salmon soup. I hadn't known it was reindeer meatballs. I tried it as the woman held it out, ate it, and then asked what it was. It had a pork flavor and was well seasoned. When the lady told me it was reindeer meatballs, I cried a little... then I asked for more. Walking through the market I touched all of the furs, the rabbit, lamb, reindeer, deer, duck. I laid my hands on everything. I even bought a reindeer leather coin purse. This is definitely not an animal lovers dream.

Just down the hill that the Finnish Orthodox church sat on top of, there was a giant statue in the center of the fish market. The statue looked like Benjamin Button when he was first "old" enough or mobile enough to pee standing up. And thats what the statue was, a deformed (or really old) looking baby who was standing up, holding his peewee, and draining a fountain of water into the sea. It was quite a site to watch tourists take pictures between his legs, and try to reach out to touch the fountain of water that represented urine. The statue was two stories and the eyes on the character were giant eyes looking in one direction as if to say "uh oh, I got caught" since he had a gaped mouth to go along with the expression. That was probably the funniest thing that I have seen.

That, and in Stockholm on one of the main streets, a vagabond wearing a halloween rubber mask of a horse was dancing in order to make money for travel. He danced to be funny, and it was, and next to him was a sign that said "for travel." In his hat were hundreds of Kroner too. I contemplated taking up a shenanigan of my own to start a "for travel" fund. I'll leave it to the experts with horse faces for now.

After a fantastic rest all afternoon and evening on the cruise-ship I am now in Stockholm airport, waiting for my flight to Budapest.

Cheers

The Stage of Change

There are several feelings in life that people are constantly reaching to attain. Balance. Enlightenment. Peace. Happiness.

In many ways its a curse to constantly feel the need to reach for something. I've learned to think of it as a blessing, as something that is hard to find in others. For me, I am always diligently trying to attain a higher sense of self, and I believe that is a strength of mine that I often seek in others. I've realized over time that everyone, including myself, are stuck in their habits in thought and deed, and they are challenging habits to break. In that sense, we are all addicts. In a way, I have been an addict since my teenage years, by being stuck in my ideology. Addicts go through what is clinically called the transtheoretical stages of change. First, its the steps we deny taking when we don't realize that we want to change. Then, its trying to change but not being able to keep up with self-employed expectations of that change. Followed, by either settling into a comfortable new state, or reverting back to life before the change. The reverting back is what everyone calls "relapse."

Relapse is the part that makes people cringe. Many fail to realize that relapse is going to happen, and often times it is necessary. Enlightenment or a realization period is the first step to change, and to relapse. That's part of what makes relapse so beautiful. You must come to a place where you think differently about yourself before you can start to change, and relapse is necessary in order to help with the next 'thinking differently' moment you will have before the next change. Imagine you are holding a rope, and the other end is being held by your goals. Each time you cut that rope, and draw away from your goals you are relapsing. Granted that 'relapsing' has poor connotations, it still requires enlightenment. When someone is enlightened again after relapse its like taking those cut ends of rope and tying them together. Once you tye the ropes, you are one knot closer to your goals. A person does not have to relapse to make the rope closer together, but thats the result of combining enlightenment and change. Its many relapses that are necessary before theres no rope at all and the last enlightenment that caused change has brought you to your goal. There is no more room for knots. Sometimes this takes a lifetime to achieve.

My change began in January 2013 when I decided that attaining peace, enlightenment, and behaving with humility, love, trust, and gratitude was the way that I wanted to live my life. Before that, I was unchanged and not growing in the way I had always wanted to - my goals felt unattainable. I say to myself now, that change is necessary for growth, so if nothing is changing then you're not really giving yourself opportunities to grow.
I am over a year and a half later now, and my world is different. The universe has clearly laid a path for me to get to where I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Throughout that time little bumps lay in the road that caused me to grow, only after first relapsing. Doubt, is an easy road to relapse. I worried, and doubted, and didnt trust myself at times. I struggled with relationships. To help me grow the universe brought me to new friends at the perfect time, I had questions - I got answers, I changed the way I thought, even the way I breathed, and all along the way little moments kept presenting themselves to me, a byproduct of which was thinking deeper and growing more. I was ambivalent long enough to get to my state. I "relapsed" enough times by not living with love and forgetting about those goals. Finally, I am ready to be content and grounded in my beliefs about the world, who I am, and how to love. I am fearless.

I believe that I have been set up on this path to prepare me for what is next - a trip around the world. I don't know how far I will get, and I don't know how the travels will unfold. I am as prepared as I possibly could be with all of the documents and products I need - but also with all of the growth and change in thinking that was necessary to get me ready for the array of emotional interactions I will have. I am so ready to look around and see beauty. I have seen beauty inside of sorrow and struggle, and I have seen beauty by way of majesty and nature. I love the way that I think about people and the world. I love the amount of insight and observation I have in my ability to "take it all in" as my mom would say.

So here I go. I don't know if I will be gone 2 months, 7 months, or a full year, or beyond. I do know that I am ready to further experience humanity, and I know that humanity is ready to experience me.
So as I embark on my next adventure, I would like to ask you a favor. I'm probably outside of my rights, because no one owes me anything, however, I ask this; once in a while, muster all the love you have and say a positive wish for me out loud. Maybe send me an email to read and soothe the occasional loneliness. Mostly, think well of me - for me. 

This trip will be a challenge, but it will moreso be a joy. Its my next and biggest opportunity to "think differently" again, and continue to grow and be challenged by my world and the universe.
 Here are some things I continue to tell myself to keep me balanced. These things will be on repeat while I am traveling and constantly pushing myself. Here goes:

Try not to say "don't" when it comes to what you want - its important to say what you want with love not negativity. Stay in the light. Write. Stretch. Dance to street music. Hear peoples' stories. Be humble. Find a way to have gratitude for every moment, every one, and every thing - even if at first you feel negative about it. No matter what you will always be different and it will always be a challenge to understand how others are different - remember to be open to those differences. Be open to learning. Think of your friends and family often, but avoid dwelling. Never sit around waiting for nothing, also never become restless. Stare at the view, not photos. Sleep where you're comfortable. Trust your heart, and recognize that negative feelings come from your lacking in gratitude, humility, and love, or that your negativity can be a product of the environment and transference from surroundings. Make sure everyone you are leaving behind feels loved by you. For all intensive purposes - we have only one life and when you're dead, thats it. All you have is what you know, what you remember, and how you think. Take extremely good care of your body. Never talk like you're gonna die, be hurt, or experience a struggle. Even struggle is beautiful if it does happen, because its not a struggle if you love it anyway. When you have a negative thought, give it a hug and send it on its way. Laugh out loud with your whole heart. Let others know what you appreciate about them. Never tease, only compliment. Remember to keep it positive. Positivity is not a real word, but we're going to make it one. Love the world and remember that, it - and we - are beautiful.