Bienvenido a Madrid

I´ve been all settled in for the past couple days into my new home for the next 4 months. Originally, I had a lot of anxiety about coming later than everyone else because of the hurricane, but now I´ve been here a couple of days and other people are still arriving.

Everything here is a lot slower. The days are long during orientation but once schools starts I will have a lot of free time to sleep and walk around and travel. My good ol´buddy Isabela has made the transition into Madrid 10,000 times easier for me. It would be hard for me to get home sick with her here, so relieving. My stomach was doing all kinds of seasickness with anxiety and then as soon as I got into class and sat next to Isa I felt like everything kind of just lifted off of me. Not to mention, she´s been so understanding while trying to help me get used to everything here. Gotta love that Costa Rican tranquilidad she has.

I haven´t had internet on my computer, so I´ve been using the schools computer to read emails and make sure my parents know that I´m alive and well. We´ve been doing walking tours, and roaming around. I´ve mostly been sleeping during down time because the orientation schedule is so tiring, on top of a little bit of jet lag. We saw la Plaza Mayor yesterday, and walked around Sol, which is part of Madrid that is a lot like... well nothing I´ve ever seen before but there are a lot of shops with hardly any cars so everyone walks in the middle of the streets.

Tomorrow our school is taking us on a day trip to Segovia, and then in a couple of weeks I signed up for a trip to Granada and Cordoba! Lots of history and beautiful sights to see. I can´t wait to start traveling too, hopefully we´ll be going to Greece, Germany, France, and Italy. If anyone is staying or knows a friend staying in these places, let me know if you can spare a couple couch guests... we want to save as much money as possible. Obviously.
It´s lots to do and only a short amount of time, we also have a lot of trips around Spain that we´re trying to plan... then when I go home I can say I really lived in Spain and saw everything the country had to offer.

Hurricane Irene

The ironic thing about Hurricane Irene, is that Irene in Greek (Irini) means "peace." Irene has brought nothing but chaos to my day today. With my flight from JFK leaving tomorrow, and the hurricane planning on touring our country up the east coast until Monday, my flights were cancelled and I immediately went into a panic. Unfortunately, I wont be able to be a part of most of the orientation in Madrid... if I can go to the orientation at all. Rebooking flights is hard when the person I have to book through doesn't work on the weekends, even in a hurricane. What's a girl to do?

I can become extremely anxious when life gets so off of my plan that there is nothing I can do. I have anxiety until a new plan starts, even if its not the plan I want. As long as there is a plan that I can see on paper and get organized with, I am much better off. Unfortunately, God doesn't give outlines of His plan, and so I am often left in the dark with my anxious stomach flipping around like I'm getting sea sickness.

I have no problem with showing up late to Madrid. The problem I do have, is my constant fear of being left behind. People moving forward, getting comfortable, growing up and making friends all before I even get there. I can easily feel left out or left behind, and I don't want to rely on the few people I do know to keep me in the loop.
I guess I'm going to pray for Hurricane Peace to give me peace of mind, and prayer. I have to get on top of my game for before I go away. I only found one Greek Orthodox Church in Madrid. My prayer game has to be on fire if I want to keep myself in the playoffs.

Haha, sports analogy for praying, that's awesome.

At least these two extra days give me more time with my family, and more time to clean my room. Tomorrow I'm going to drag Zack along to go painting with me, and then I'm going to have a hurricane sleepover with my best friend! With candles and everything! POWER OUTAGES!! CANDLES!!

Hopefully I can book a flight out of here by Monday. Prayers hardcore for that one!

Planks

This past week I had the pleasure of being a counselor to 13 beautiful Pop girls, ages 15-17. During our week we had an activity involving planks of wood... surprisingly called, Planks. Everyone got their own plank, and one side was called Weaknesses, and the other involved Strengths. Every day we went over one of the six pillars. We began with respect, then trust, and openness, and we finished with honesty, love, and forgiveness. After going over each pillar the campers and counselors were given time to write a weakness and strength involving that pillar. It was meant to be extremely self-reflective.

Each counselor got an opportunity to introduce one of the pillars in their own way. I was blessed to have the opportunity to explain love. Now, I haven't the slightest clue if there is a universal explanation for love and what it is, but I explained it as sacrifice. If God is love, than love is also sacrifice; because Christ sacrificed his life for us. A while back, I realized that I did not know how to love because I wasn't loving myself. If we're supposed to love others as we love ourselves, than we first have to love ourselves. I believe that the more we sacrifice, and the more we give of ourselves, the more love we will feel and the closer to God we will become. I went on like this a little more than maybe I should have, but often when I'm speaking I'm also realizing things about myself that I wouldn't have recognized had I not been speaking. If ever there is a moment that I have struggled with love, or loving others; it was because I was focusing solely on myself. Love is patient and kind and all of that other stuff, but love is sacrificial and giving of self which means in order to be fully loving my world must be centered on everyone else. If everyone loved each other the way they were supposed to than we wouldn't have to take care of ourselves, because there would always be a neighbor caring for us. I've never been afraid of death, only pain and suffering; all as a result of a broken heart. Sometimes I find myself loving so much that my heart hurts, or even that my love becomes an obsession which can often be a vice. But I strongly believe that the more a person gives of herself, the more a person learns about herself and the more a person learns how to love. Everything I've learned about myself has come from a sacrifice I have made; whether it was sacrificing my physical and emotional health, my time, or even sacrificing what I know so that I can understand what it means not to know. Somehow, I always grew from love and I've always known that when I love I am living with Christ in mind, because he is the only example of perfect love that I could know.

Aristotle said that you can never have too much of a virtue, too much love, too much courage, too much honesty; there's no such thing. However, when love turns into obsession, courage into carelessness, or honesty into rudeness, then it becomes a vice; and that is when we fall short and miss the mark.

Whatever I said to the campers that night felt extremely profound as if I wasn't the one saying it. It felt like a gift to be able to speak so articulately and to be challenged since I was speaking to people who were old enough to comprehend and learn from what I had to say. It feels great to be in a position to make a difference, even if I am constantly wondering if I am saying or doing the right thing.

I remember when I was a camper and every important thing a counselor ever said to me, I internalized it and lived by it in a lot of cases. I wanted to be like them, and I thought they knew everything because they spoke with such confidence. Now, being in that position myself and knowing how influential a counselor can be, it's important for me to take time and truly evaluate how I behave and speak around campers. I don't want to be the wrong kind of influence. I don't want to define love according to my own beliefs, and confuse anyone as to what the church says. Knowing is often more difficult than not knowing. At least by not knowing, the mistakes made cannot be owned by you. It's only by knowing the right thing and doing the wrong thing that we can truly be culpable for our mistakes.

The Bystander Effect

It seems that without warning a person's sexual being can explode and overpower the normal, often apprehensive, way that one might normally go about an arousing situation. People often find confidence in their surroundings. After one person begins helping, many people join in; but it takes that one person to step up before other bystanders choose to do the same. By internalizing our human desire to fit in we create an environment of followers, an environment of people easily influenced by peer pressure (consciously or not), and an often absent minded way of life. Sometimes, I snap out of it here and there, and I wonder how I got to where I am as a result of going through the motions of life so absentmindedly. It's no surprise that when the aroma of the evening is romantic or has a high sexual tension unexpected things will happen. If one person in a close group is feeling salacious than it is more common that others will follow-rank.

Often times I find nights like these disheartening. I look around outside and across the lot of land, while the tranquility of the fire and the murmuring of soothing voices sets the tone, I feel that a piece is missing. Have I been a bystander following the crowd? Often times, yes. I only second-guess myself when the opinion and actions of others disrupt the acme in myself. It puts me off kilter, and when I am in my most advantageous and prayerful mindset I notice it even more.

Many believe that in order to reach their goal they need to work at it. However, that's not true in all cases. In some cases, practice does not make perfect. As a matter of fact, I think in some cases practice disrupts focus, balance, and even sometimes innocence. There are some things in life that we need to wait for, and the plan for what we desire but cannot work at will fall into place whether it is seen or unseen.

May God Forgive us Both

At the camp that I work at we teach the kids that we should live on 6 basic pillars. They are pillars because on top of the foundation of faith, these pillars support the structure of our lives, and hold us up. The pillars are love, openness, forgiveness, trust, honesty, and respect. Over the years I've had my battle with each one. I stopped trusting people, but rebuilt trust slowly in my relationships. There was a good amount of time when I struggled to love myself and be honest with myself, and with others. I've always been open, maybe even to a fault. I learned how to be respectful, but it took some time and I still forget where my boundaries should be sometimes. The one things that I have never learned to do is forgive.

It's easy when a person asks for forgiveness and you say "i forgive you" like there was never a problem. If a person were to say "do you forgive me" its easy to avoid confrontation and hold in what one might truly feel. Saying "i forgive you" is the easiest thing a person can do, because it means absolutely nothing. Everyone needs to be forgiven for something at some point in their lives, and its hard to be on both ends of the story. Whether a person is being forgiven or doing the forgiving, everyone copes in different ways. I have always said that I forgive easily, but that it may take a while for me to trust again. That's not true. I trust people easily, too easily sometimes. I am the law... you are innocent until proven guilty, you are trustworthy until you show me that you are not. Otherwise, who am I to judge your qualities if I haven't any reason for it?

Now comes the day for forgiveness. The day when I am looked in the eye, solemnly, focused, pensive, as if the speech has been years practiced, and years burdened. Years deserved for all the years that I hurt. I am caught off-guard, I am unsure, unprepared, unholy. In that moment I am everything I never wanted to be, and I am nonplussed. I listen, and nod, trying not to cry. I think of happy things like the Lion King, rainbows, or my mom, and I use these happy things to fight off my tears and take me to a different place. My listening begins to waiver and I focus in my head on who I should be in that moment. I tell myself, "Don't cry, never let them see you cry. Crying is weak, cry later when you are alone. Be here, now." But I'm not there, I'm in my head, I'm processing and listening at the same time and I miss words here and there, and I am just so stuck on what i should or shouldn't say and I don't know how to be. I lean against the wall for support because I need to lean on something or someone. I say a prayer in my head, asking for strength and I get through the moment. Then I am asked, "do you forgive me." Yes. Of course I forgive you! Yes, yes, yes. Now let's stop talking about this.

But I didn't trust myself not to hurt you with a sour response, I was not honest, or loving. I have just disrespected myself by not saying what I wanted to say, what I was feeling. I am not being open with where my head is, I need time to think. You just changed my future and I only had a moment to respond. I'm in shock, so much so that I can't even recall what just happened. I don't know who you are or who I am in that moment, I just am stuck and say the easiest thing that I can. All is forgiven, now lets move forward.
How can a person move forward when they're feet are stuck to the ground, to that spot right there where they left off? It's like my life has to stop until I can learn. I'm just trying to learn just like everyone else. I'm just trying to learn how to forgive. How can I be 6 pillars that stand firm, when one of them is letting my roof cave in?

Forgiveness takes time. At camp when a person says "forgive me" at the end of the week, we say "may God forgive us both." I think the reason for that is when we are a person who needs to do the forgiving there are so many sinful and negative emotions that we feel towards the person who asks for forgiveness. I feel anger, hatred, disdain, sadness, jealousy, unhappiness; and its all towards you because of what you've done to me. And so, when you want me to forgive you I must also ask for forgiveness, because I never wanted to hate you and I never wanted to feel such anger inside of me. I just want to love and be loved, it's the ultimate. It's not up to me to forgive you, it's up to me to heal from all of the negative emotions you've caused me to feel; and its up to God to forgive us both for the wrong we've done and felt.

Breakage

After returning to camp Friday afternoon from my day off that began Thursday afternoon, I almost immediately noticed a change in myself. Suddenly I had more energy, I was happier and more comfortable. My campers became very close and there were no problems for the staff. We all meshed together perfectly by the end, and I remembered what it was like to be at camp almost the same as I had been in the past.

My laziness level is insanely high, and I've been trying to break the pattern, but I made a lot of friends with the new staff and I am looking forward to the next 3 weeks with everyone! I know I will miss it when it ends. Perhaps its that the more exhausted I am, the more restless I become, and the more energy my body spits out all at once which causes me to become a more enthusiastic counselor... but as soon as I slow down at the end of the summer I am going to crash hard and need to make up for weeks of no sleep or "me time."

Next week I have 13 year olds! YAY! All the pieces are falling together...

Puzzle Pieces

During a recent cabin meeting with my 12-15 year-old campers. We discussed life goals, or general goals that we would want to achieve. I searched my mind far and wide for goals I might have, beyond getting my Masters of Social Work degree. Nothing. Yes, I want to get married, have children, and I have a list of goals that would be interesting to achieve (www.yasminradam.blogspot.com), but I really have no REAL goals and therefore feel as though I have no purpose. There's a difference between having a list of stuff that would be cool to do, and knowing who I want to be. Big difference. My response to the question was, "this is the path I am on right now, but I am really open for changes since I don't know where my path is going to lead." I enjoy talking about life as if it were a path... but it also makes me think of myself on a dirt road in the middle of the woods, not knowing my surroundings or how to get out.

This week my co-staff is entirely made up of rookies. In order to help them feel comfortable in their leadership position (even though I am the cabin leader), I have let them take charge on most sessions and cabin meetings. They usually check with me on what they want to do, because they are not sure if they are right or wrong, and all I have to do is say, "yep sounds good." A couple of them have really blossomed and I'm proud to see people who were once my campers, stepping up and being leaders as staff. Laying back in my position has allowed for me to take a lot more quiet time for myself. I may be surrounded by campers and in the middle of a session, but I am thinking about who I am and how I can improve as a person. The self-reflection that I've been doing this week has led me to a lot of realizations about who I am now, what path I am on, and how I should be moving forward. I'm beginning to understand that it may be time for me to move away from camp, since I don't feel as though I am needed any longer, and stepping back so much has essentially made me kind of bored. But how do I move away from a place that has held my hand, shaped me, and guided me through life since I was 8 years old? Perhaps camp was never the problem... maybe I'm missing the point altogether.

Yesterday in church, I was thinking about all of the other times I have worked to change and improve who I am. For every time I put a conscious effort towards doing so, I modeled my behavior after someone I admired, like my favorite counselor, teacher, or close friend. I always modeled my behavior after someone who I thought I should be like, and who I wanted to be similar to. The one most important person I have almost never consistently modeled my life after is Jesus. I realized that it's great to want to be like someone, but the someone that I should want to be like is Him! If I take a little bit of the good parts that I see in everyone around me than I am taking a piece of God with me, since we are all made in His image. I strongly believe that everything good in this life is from Him, the Father of Lights. Somewhere along the way I forgot that I believed that, and I forgot to give thanks for it. I have become so caught up in who I want to be as a final product, that I forgot how to get there and who I should be looking towards for help. As the priest went up and down the aisle with his censor during the service, I was thinking about this, and a light bulb clicked. I immediately understood where it was I was going wrong! I had all of these self-adjustment plans, and I completely forgot to include God in them. Then I smiled ear to ear and laughed at my own naivety. I must have looked silly to the people around me.

In all of my silence and reflections this week, I have realized more and more how my experiences in the past year have changed me. Boston, to New York, to the DR... all of these places took a piece of me and gave something different back. I'm on a soul-searching scavenger hunt for all of the parts of me that I lost that I used to love so much... and I'm not a person who is very good at puzzles.

One way I'm putting myself back together is by eating healthier and working out more often. It's definitely improving my attitude already.

See what I mean when I say camp makes me step back and think? My soul is aflame!