During a recent cabin meeting with my 12-15 year-old campers. We discussed life goals, or general goals that we would want to achieve. I searched my mind far and wide for goals I might have, beyond getting my Masters of Social Work degree. Nothing. Yes, I want to get married, have children, and I have a list of goals that would be interesting to achieve (www.yasminradam.blogspot.com), but I really have no REAL goals and therefore feel as though I have no purpose. There's a difference between having a list of stuff that would be cool to do, and knowing who I want to be. Big difference. My response to the question was, "this is the path I am on right now, but I am really open for changes since I don't know where my path is going to lead." I enjoy talking about life as if it were a path... but it also makes me think of myself on a dirt road in the middle of the woods, not knowing my surroundings or how to get out.
This week my co-staff is entirely made up of rookies. In order to help them feel comfortable in their leadership position (even though I am the cabin leader), I have let them take charge on most sessions and cabin meetings. They usually check with me on what they want to do, because they are not sure if they are right or wrong, and all I have to do is say, "yep sounds good." A couple of them have really blossomed and I'm proud to see people who were once my campers, stepping up and being leaders as staff. Laying back in my position has allowed for me to take a lot more quiet time for myself. I may be surrounded by campers and in the middle of a session, but I am thinking about who I am and how I can improve as a person. The self-reflection that I've been doing this week has led me to a lot of realizations about who I am now, what path I am on, and how I should be moving forward. I'm beginning to understand that it may be time for me to move away from camp, since I don't feel as though I am needed any longer, and stepping back so much has essentially made me kind of bored. But how do I move away from a place that has held my hand, shaped me, and guided me through life since I was 8 years old? Perhaps camp was never the problem... maybe I'm missing the point altogether.
Yesterday in church, I was thinking about all of the other times I have worked to change and improve who I am. For every time I put a conscious effort towards doing so, I modeled my behavior after someone I admired, like my favorite counselor, teacher, or close friend. I always modeled my behavior after someone who I thought I should be like, and who I wanted to be similar to. The one most important person I have almost never consistently modeled my life after is Jesus. I realized that it's great to want to be like someone, but the someone that I should want to be like is Him! If I take a little bit of the good parts that I see in everyone around me than I am taking a piece of God with me, since we are all made in His image. I strongly believe that everything good in this life is from Him, the Father of Lights. Somewhere along the way I forgot that I believed that, and I forgot to give thanks for it. I have become so caught up in who I want to be as a final product, that I forgot how to get there and who I should be looking towards for help. As the priest went up and down the aisle with his censor during the service, I was thinking about this, and a light bulb clicked. I immediately understood where it was I was going wrong! I had all of these self-adjustment plans, and I completely forgot to include God in them. Then I smiled ear to ear and laughed at my own naivety. I must have looked silly to the people around me.
In all of my silence and reflections this week, I have realized more and more how my experiences in the past year have changed me. Boston, to New York, to the DR... all of these places took a piece of me and gave something different back. I'm on a soul-searching scavenger hunt for all of the parts of me that I lost that I used to love so much... and I'm not a person who is very good at puzzles.
One way I'm putting myself back together is by eating healthier and working out more often. It's definitely improving my attitude already.
See what I mean when I say camp makes me step back and think? My soul is aflame!
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