May God Forgive us Both

At the camp that I work at we teach the kids that we should live on 6 basic pillars. They are pillars because on top of the foundation of faith, these pillars support the structure of our lives, and hold us up. The pillars are love, openness, forgiveness, trust, honesty, and respect. Over the years I've had my battle with each one. I stopped trusting people, but rebuilt trust slowly in my relationships. There was a good amount of time when I struggled to love myself and be honest with myself, and with others. I've always been open, maybe even to a fault. I learned how to be respectful, but it took some time and I still forget where my boundaries should be sometimes. The one things that I have never learned to do is forgive.

It's easy when a person asks for forgiveness and you say "i forgive you" like there was never a problem. If a person were to say "do you forgive me" its easy to avoid confrontation and hold in what one might truly feel. Saying "i forgive you" is the easiest thing a person can do, because it means absolutely nothing. Everyone needs to be forgiven for something at some point in their lives, and its hard to be on both ends of the story. Whether a person is being forgiven or doing the forgiving, everyone copes in different ways. I have always said that I forgive easily, but that it may take a while for me to trust again. That's not true. I trust people easily, too easily sometimes. I am the law... you are innocent until proven guilty, you are trustworthy until you show me that you are not. Otherwise, who am I to judge your qualities if I haven't any reason for it?

Now comes the day for forgiveness. The day when I am looked in the eye, solemnly, focused, pensive, as if the speech has been years practiced, and years burdened. Years deserved for all the years that I hurt. I am caught off-guard, I am unsure, unprepared, unholy. In that moment I am everything I never wanted to be, and I am nonplussed. I listen, and nod, trying not to cry. I think of happy things like the Lion King, rainbows, or my mom, and I use these happy things to fight off my tears and take me to a different place. My listening begins to waiver and I focus in my head on who I should be in that moment. I tell myself, "Don't cry, never let them see you cry. Crying is weak, cry later when you are alone. Be here, now." But I'm not there, I'm in my head, I'm processing and listening at the same time and I miss words here and there, and I am just so stuck on what i should or shouldn't say and I don't know how to be. I lean against the wall for support because I need to lean on something or someone. I say a prayer in my head, asking for strength and I get through the moment. Then I am asked, "do you forgive me." Yes. Of course I forgive you! Yes, yes, yes. Now let's stop talking about this.

But I didn't trust myself not to hurt you with a sour response, I was not honest, or loving. I have just disrespected myself by not saying what I wanted to say, what I was feeling. I am not being open with where my head is, I need time to think. You just changed my future and I only had a moment to respond. I'm in shock, so much so that I can't even recall what just happened. I don't know who you are or who I am in that moment, I just am stuck and say the easiest thing that I can. All is forgiven, now lets move forward.
How can a person move forward when they're feet are stuck to the ground, to that spot right there where they left off? It's like my life has to stop until I can learn. I'm just trying to learn just like everyone else. I'm just trying to learn how to forgive. How can I be 6 pillars that stand firm, when one of them is letting my roof cave in?

Forgiveness takes time. At camp when a person says "forgive me" at the end of the week, we say "may God forgive us both." I think the reason for that is when we are a person who needs to do the forgiving there are so many sinful and negative emotions that we feel towards the person who asks for forgiveness. I feel anger, hatred, disdain, sadness, jealousy, unhappiness; and its all towards you because of what you've done to me. And so, when you want me to forgive you I must also ask for forgiveness, because I never wanted to hate you and I never wanted to feel such anger inside of me. I just want to love and be loved, it's the ultimate. It's not up to me to forgive you, it's up to me to heal from all of the negative emotions you've caused me to feel; and its up to God to forgive us both for the wrong we've done and felt.