The Bystander Effect

It seems that without warning a person's sexual being can explode and overpower the normal, often apprehensive, way that one might normally go about an arousing situation. People often find confidence in their surroundings. After one person begins helping, many people join in; but it takes that one person to step up before other bystanders choose to do the same. By internalizing our human desire to fit in we create an environment of followers, an environment of people easily influenced by peer pressure (consciously or not), and an often absent minded way of life. Sometimes, I snap out of it here and there, and I wonder how I got to where I am as a result of going through the motions of life so absentmindedly. It's no surprise that when the aroma of the evening is romantic or has a high sexual tension unexpected things will happen. If one person in a close group is feeling salacious than it is more common that others will follow-rank.

Often times I find nights like these disheartening. I look around outside and across the lot of land, while the tranquility of the fire and the murmuring of soothing voices sets the tone, I feel that a piece is missing. Have I been a bystander following the crowd? Often times, yes. I only second-guess myself when the opinion and actions of others disrupt the acme in myself. It puts me off kilter, and when I am in my most advantageous and prayerful mindset I notice it even more.

Many believe that in order to reach their goal they need to work at it. However, that's not true in all cases. In some cases, practice does not make perfect. As a matter of fact, I think in some cases practice disrupts focus, balance, and even sometimes innocence. There are some things in life that we need to wait for, and the plan for what we desire but cannot work at will fall into place whether it is seen or unseen.

May God Forgive us Both

At the camp that I work at we teach the kids that we should live on 6 basic pillars. They are pillars because on top of the foundation of faith, these pillars support the structure of our lives, and hold us up. The pillars are love, openness, forgiveness, trust, honesty, and respect. Over the years I've had my battle with each one. I stopped trusting people, but rebuilt trust slowly in my relationships. There was a good amount of time when I struggled to love myself and be honest with myself, and with others. I've always been open, maybe even to a fault. I learned how to be respectful, but it took some time and I still forget where my boundaries should be sometimes. The one things that I have never learned to do is forgive.

It's easy when a person asks for forgiveness and you say "i forgive you" like there was never a problem. If a person were to say "do you forgive me" its easy to avoid confrontation and hold in what one might truly feel. Saying "i forgive you" is the easiest thing a person can do, because it means absolutely nothing. Everyone needs to be forgiven for something at some point in their lives, and its hard to be on both ends of the story. Whether a person is being forgiven or doing the forgiving, everyone copes in different ways. I have always said that I forgive easily, but that it may take a while for me to trust again. That's not true. I trust people easily, too easily sometimes. I am the law... you are innocent until proven guilty, you are trustworthy until you show me that you are not. Otherwise, who am I to judge your qualities if I haven't any reason for it?

Now comes the day for forgiveness. The day when I am looked in the eye, solemnly, focused, pensive, as if the speech has been years practiced, and years burdened. Years deserved for all the years that I hurt. I am caught off-guard, I am unsure, unprepared, unholy. In that moment I am everything I never wanted to be, and I am nonplussed. I listen, and nod, trying not to cry. I think of happy things like the Lion King, rainbows, or my mom, and I use these happy things to fight off my tears and take me to a different place. My listening begins to waiver and I focus in my head on who I should be in that moment. I tell myself, "Don't cry, never let them see you cry. Crying is weak, cry later when you are alone. Be here, now." But I'm not there, I'm in my head, I'm processing and listening at the same time and I miss words here and there, and I am just so stuck on what i should or shouldn't say and I don't know how to be. I lean against the wall for support because I need to lean on something or someone. I say a prayer in my head, asking for strength and I get through the moment. Then I am asked, "do you forgive me." Yes. Of course I forgive you! Yes, yes, yes. Now let's stop talking about this.

But I didn't trust myself not to hurt you with a sour response, I was not honest, or loving. I have just disrespected myself by not saying what I wanted to say, what I was feeling. I am not being open with where my head is, I need time to think. You just changed my future and I only had a moment to respond. I'm in shock, so much so that I can't even recall what just happened. I don't know who you are or who I am in that moment, I just am stuck and say the easiest thing that I can. All is forgiven, now lets move forward.
How can a person move forward when they're feet are stuck to the ground, to that spot right there where they left off? It's like my life has to stop until I can learn. I'm just trying to learn just like everyone else. I'm just trying to learn how to forgive. How can I be 6 pillars that stand firm, when one of them is letting my roof cave in?

Forgiveness takes time. At camp when a person says "forgive me" at the end of the week, we say "may God forgive us both." I think the reason for that is when we are a person who needs to do the forgiving there are so many sinful and negative emotions that we feel towards the person who asks for forgiveness. I feel anger, hatred, disdain, sadness, jealousy, unhappiness; and its all towards you because of what you've done to me. And so, when you want me to forgive you I must also ask for forgiveness, because I never wanted to hate you and I never wanted to feel such anger inside of me. I just want to love and be loved, it's the ultimate. It's not up to me to forgive you, it's up to me to heal from all of the negative emotions you've caused me to feel; and its up to God to forgive us both for the wrong we've done and felt.

Breakage

After returning to camp Friday afternoon from my day off that began Thursday afternoon, I almost immediately noticed a change in myself. Suddenly I had more energy, I was happier and more comfortable. My campers became very close and there were no problems for the staff. We all meshed together perfectly by the end, and I remembered what it was like to be at camp almost the same as I had been in the past.

My laziness level is insanely high, and I've been trying to break the pattern, but I made a lot of friends with the new staff and I am looking forward to the next 3 weeks with everyone! I know I will miss it when it ends. Perhaps its that the more exhausted I am, the more restless I become, and the more energy my body spits out all at once which causes me to become a more enthusiastic counselor... but as soon as I slow down at the end of the summer I am going to crash hard and need to make up for weeks of no sleep or "me time."

Next week I have 13 year olds! YAY! All the pieces are falling together...

Puzzle Pieces

During a recent cabin meeting with my 12-15 year-old campers. We discussed life goals, or general goals that we would want to achieve. I searched my mind far and wide for goals I might have, beyond getting my Masters of Social Work degree. Nothing. Yes, I want to get married, have children, and I have a list of goals that would be interesting to achieve (www.yasminradam.blogspot.com), but I really have no REAL goals and therefore feel as though I have no purpose. There's a difference between having a list of stuff that would be cool to do, and knowing who I want to be. Big difference. My response to the question was, "this is the path I am on right now, but I am really open for changes since I don't know where my path is going to lead." I enjoy talking about life as if it were a path... but it also makes me think of myself on a dirt road in the middle of the woods, not knowing my surroundings or how to get out.

This week my co-staff is entirely made up of rookies. In order to help them feel comfortable in their leadership position (even though I am the cabin leader), I have let them take charge on most sessions and cabin meetings. They usually check with me on what they want to do, because they are not sure if they are right or wrong, and all I have to do is say, "yep sounds good." A couple of them have really blossomed and I'm proud to see people who were once my campers, stepping up and being leaders as staff. Laying back in my position has allowed for me to take a lot more quiet time for myself. I may be surrounded by campers and in the middle of a session, but I am thinking about who I am and how I can improve as a person. The self-reflection that I've been doing this week has led me to a lot of realizations about who I am now, what path I am on, and how I should be moving forward. I'm beginning to understand that it may be time for me to move away from camp, since I don't feel as though I am needed any longer, and stepping back so much has essentially made me kind of bored. But how do I move away from a place that has held my hand, shaped me, and guided me through life since I was 8 years old? Perhaps camp was never the problem... maybe I'm missing the point altogether.

Yesterday in church, I was thinking about all of the other times I have worked to change and improve who I am. For every time I put a conscious effort towards doing so, I modeled my behavior after someone I admired, like my favorite counselor, teacher, or close friend. I always modeled my behavior after someone who I thought I should be like, and who I wanted to be similar to. The one most important person I have almost never consistently modeled my life after is Jesus. I realized that it's great to want to be like someone, but the someone that I should want to be like is Him! If I take a little bit of the good parts that I see in everyone around me than I am taking a piece of God with me, since we are all made in His image. I strongly believe that everything good in this life is from Him, the Father of Lights. Somewhere along the way I forgot that I believed that, and I forgot to give thanks for it. I have become so caught up in who I want to be as a final product, that I forgot how to get there and who I should be looking towards for help. As the priest went up and down the aisle with his censor during the service, I was thinking about this, and a light bulb clicked. I immediately understood where it was I was going wrong! I had all of these self-adjustment plans, and I completely forgot to include God in them. Then I smiled ear to ear and laughed at my own naivety. I must have looked silly to the people around me.

In all of my silence and reflections this week, I have realized more and more how my experiences in the past year have changed me. Boston, to New York, to the DR... all of these places took a piece of me and gave something different back. I'm on a soul-searching scavenger hunt for all of the parts of me that I lost that I used to love so much... and I'm not a person who is very good at puzzles.

One way I'm putting myself back together is by eating healthier and working out more often. It's definitely improving my attitude already.

See what I mean when I say camp makes me step back and think? My soul is aflame!

Home is in the Heart

I know this blog is supposed to be entirely about my studying abroad, but I think since I am essentially never home and always experiencing new things that I want to talk about, that I should continue writing antes de mi viaje a España.

Yesterday I began my summer journey at the Metropolis of Boston Camp (MBC) where I've been attending as a camper since 1998, and as a counselor for 3 years now. The camp itself has a lot of room for operational improvements, and organizational needs; but I love being here for the kids and getting to know our next generation. God-willing I'll even play a small role in shaping the next generation. Actually... that might be a little scary.

Since the camp plays such a huge role in my life, and it is a religious environment, I have always felt like returning there is returning to an opportunity where I can become more grounded, and realize the little pieces of myself that I may have dropped along my journey.

First, I get to camp and realize I curse too much, but that it is really easy to stop if I wanted to.
Second, I realize that, although I have studied the Orthodox Christian religion thoroughly, I do not pray enough or read enough. I often realize that the more I learn about my faith, the more I learn about myself; and the more silence and alone-time I have in my life, the more morally, and emotionally solidified I can be. Sometimes I'm so caught up in being fuerte for other people (friends, family, campers, etc) that I forget that I need to be fuerte for myself. I organize everything in my life except for my emotions; its the one thing I seem to not have enough time for, but the it is also the one thing that is often most important.

A friend of mine got me thinking about what it is I want to be doing as a profession... or at least the reasoning behind it. Since I was in high school the goal has been some kind of psychology, or social work. Right now I'm on the social work path. All of the work I've done in my life abroad and at home, however emotionally taxing, has made me fall in love with social work. I think that my separation of work from myself has never been difficult, the only thing that has made social work difficult for me is my health and the exhausting way that the programs I've experienced have been organized. On my trip to Romania we had no sleep, and it was emotionally and physically taxing because of it. The work I did in the Dominican Republic was not even difficult, or emotionally taxing, but it became that way because of the amount of work and the way that the program was organized. The work in West Virginia and Mexico building houses was physically taxing, but otherwise not emotionally difficult. And then there's camp. Camp is one of the most rewarding, emotionally and physically exhausting things I have done in my life. It's possible that I feel more reward when I'm continually bogged down, maybe because I'm proud of myself for getting through it. Essentially, all of these work, study, and volunteer experiences have helped me decide what it is I want to do. I'm still figuring out how it is that I can get through these different experiences and whether or not the way that I do so is healthy por mi mente y cuerpo. In retrospect, as long as I can organize the separation of work and play and have a better balance, than social work will always be my passion.

No one ever stops learning about themselves, and I'm praying that since I finally am really comfortable at camp and know what I am doing, that I can have an opportunity to step back and look at my life in the big picture. The balance between myself and my surroundings is definitely a main focus, and I think I've learned a great deal already... it's only day 2! If I can manage to stay healthy in mind, body, and spirit, than I have faith that everything will fall into place the way that God intended. While growing and achieving all of these goals little by little, I am learning that I can feel at home anywhere as long as I am giving a little piece of my heart to where and what I am doing.

Camp is home for now.

Balance, focus, and patience, are definitely three of my main priorities for the rest of the summer. Time to teach kids cool stuff and make new friends... Godsquad style!

Life, Stateside

My first week back from the Dominican has been a strange experience. I was not doing "mission work" there as some people might put it, because I was simply taking courses. Additionally, nothing we did felt remotely close to my past experiences abroad building houses, caring for orphans, or teaching in schools.

Adapting back to a world that speaks only English has been strange because I'm learning that things like "platanos" actually means plantains. Explaining some typical Dominican meals to my mom, she asked me what platanos were and I described to her a thicker, stronger type of banana. "Oh, is that like a plantain?" ... "I'm not sure, what's a plantain?"
#nativetalk

Immediately upon arriving home I have made it my life's mission to teach everyone I know Bachata. My mom has picked up quickly, and so have some of my friends. Bachata will soon dominate the world, but don't worry, I don't need the credit. We can give the credit to the rhythmically dynamite music that is created in el caribe, and makes you want to wiggle your butt. We can call it "island music."

Since being home I have made traditional Dominican food for my family as well. Yummy carne asada (steak) con cebollas (onion), ajo (garlic), champignones (mushrooms), and of course ARROZ! (rice) Next mission is to teach myself how to properly cook platanos in different ways.

I have been feeling quite a bit of nostalgia. I feel like everyone around me is a little bit ignorant when I want to speak in Spanish and they don't understand me. I know, of course, that does not make them ignorant, I am just impatient. I miss speaking Spanish all of the time. I went to prowl the mall today and upon hearing a mother and daughter discuss clothing styles in Spanish, when I walked by I sad "pardon me" (in Spanish) and the girl gave me a look of expression as if to say "what the hell?"

Excuse me miss, but I would like to tell you that I love your language and I wish I could speak it better and that I was Latina and we could all live in a big ol'Spanish speaking world, happily ever after. The end.
No, I did not actually say that, I just wanted to walk by and she was in my way.

Later, in the ever so elegant J.C. Penny, I was scoping out my surroundings when suddenly a man speaking rapidly in Spanish asked me if I could understand. I said yes, but please speak slower cause nigga you talk fast. Since I could hardly understand him, I sort of guessed that he was Dominican. Apparently no one in his family speaks English and all he wanted to do was return some clothes. I did my translating job asking him what he wanted and trying to understand. I asked him "de donde eres?" and he told me LA REPUBLICA DOMINICANA! I brightened up immediately and we got in a conversation about where I was living, and he was familiar with Puerto Plata, which was near where I lived. We basically hit it off, and after he got what he needed I left in my own direction. That was probably the happiest moment of my day.

I may not feel angry, or guilty, or dramatically changed as I did upon returning from my last trips, but I certainly feel sadness for leaving the country that I love and that welcomed me so warmly.
Not being able to speak Spanish is definitely the hardest, and explaining what it is I was doing in the DR is probably the most annoying part. Just read my blog! I'm tired of explaining about putas and institutos sociales y trabaja social! I would just like a day on the beach in the sun with all of my Dominican friends, drinking Cuba Libres (rum and coke) and talking about how lovely life can be when you don't have to work while in a setting similar to some peoples' paradises.
The Dominican Republic was not a paradise for me. I don't think that any place in el Caribe would be a paradise for me. My paradise is in my mind, where my friends and family are, where love is and where I can be comfortable without any reservations; my paradise doesn't need sand, a hot sun, or a suave tan. I explained this to a waitress that I befriended at the restaurant nearby where we were living in Sosua, and she agreed. This is not paradise. Paradise is where you make it, love is where you use it, and home is where you have it.
The thing that I will miss most about the Dominican Republic are all of the connections with people that I've made, that despite email and facebook, a person can only have those connections when you passby every day and converse every morning, or even just smile. I miss being able to pass the same people every afternoon and know that we developed an understanding of one another even without much of a verbal connection.

I just want to go back some days, even if just for one day. I just want to be around friendly Latinos all the time, or at least a lot more than I am currently.

Thanks for all the loyal readers while I was abroad, and stay tuned in August for when I leave for Spain!